Now and then there comes a time in everyone's life when he finds himself in a position in which he would never wish to be.
Just this weekend, I was in a Metro station when all of a sudden I had an urgent need to unload. Struggling through the turnstile with my bulky bags, I asked the location of the nearest restroom. Perhaps sensing my urgency, the guard slowly responded, "Sure, right there at the end of the hall."
Expecting a run-of-the-mill public facility, I hurried toward what looked like a cross between a '50s concept mobile home and a space shuttle. After I lurched inside, the door hissed shut once I located and thumbed the heat-seeking button.
Convenient metal hooks accepted my luggage, and a sign suggested I press another heat button to access the toilet seat. It slid out from the wall dripping water and smelling faintly of industrial cleanser. At least I would be spared the hassle of wrestling with one of those paper seat covers which invariably stick embarrassingly to ones cheeks. I dropped my shorts and sat.
Across the room, a sign proclaimed, "Time limit: 10 mins. If amber light begins to flash, exit immediately." Below the unlit warning light were the words, "Wash Cycle."
I finished my business and turned to the toilet paper dispenser. It too featured a heat-sensing button, which I pushed. Expecting a quick whir and the appearance of several sheets of toilet tissue, imagine my dismay when nothing happened. I thumbed the button again. Nothing. Again. Nothing.
Fighting panic, I glanced at the amber warning light which remained mercifully dark. How much time had elapsed? How many minutes had I left?
Fortunately, being a writer in perpetual possession of paper afforded me an uncomfortable and somewhat chafed out. Scrambling to tear sheets from my notebook, cursing colorfully all the while, I wondered what would happen if I were still seated when the Wash Cycle began. Would I drown? Would I be clean?
Finally I finished and washed my hands several times, lurching out of the box in the nick of time.
For all its technological wonder, the space-age shitter had one fatal flaw: it required a human to refill the toilet paper.